Tag: #love

written by Susan
February 3, 2022 0

Don’t go, I thought. There’s so much you’re going to miss.

I see your eyes, and although they don’t move from their skyward haunt, I imagine that you are there—just waiting to breathe. Waiting for me to start your heart again because it must have been a whim that it stopped in the first place. It was a game that you were playing to get me to come play with you in the middle of the night like you so often wanted. 

I used to stay up all night and wander the house. Creep from my room and check the fridge just in case something new and appealing hit my nose. I never knew if my shuffling in the kitchen woke you up or if you waited for me, but as I rolled my feet like a cereal ninja, I would hear your soft laugh. So I would deviate and kiss your peach fuzz forehead. Cover you up if you were cold, pull them down if you were hot. You loved when I would flip your pillow so you could feel the cool side. Always before I left, I would kneel on the floor and put my head on your chest. Like we practiced so many times, your arms would wrap around my head and give me a hug that I knew took all your concentration. 

I always felt safe hearing your heartbeat when we hugged, something I relied on since you were a baby slung haphazardly over my shoulder. You loved that when everyone treated you so carefully as if you would break, that I held you like a sack of potatoes. You learned that way to hang on to Sissy. To wrap your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist and hang on with everything you had and laugh about it.

That’s all I wanted. 

For you to hang on while I fixed everything. To breathe and look at me and tell me that it’s alright that I didn’t wake up last night. To let me hear your heartbeat one more time while I hugged you.

To ask you not to go, because there’s so much that I am going to miss.

written by Susan
July 27, 2021 0

I see you                              blank stare; listless;
Hair matted;                      unshaven.
A caustic mix                      of sweaty tears
And dirt-kissed                  dead skin cells.

I want to                              fix you;
Regardless of the              deep wounds
that insist                            on infection. The
Raw pain persists             when you smile.

I want to                              make you laugh;
Break through                   Ice, bone and
Show you that                   pain is a trap
Of infinite                            Proportions.

But yet, you are not alone.

written by Susan
March 3, 2016 0

Momma cried this morning.
I imagined her thoughts were
Of Jesus and the next few months,
But she said that she was sorry
For leaving me with bad memories.

The thing about missing someone,
Is that the bad things will fade away;
There were times when I screamed so hard
All I could think of was how to hurt her—
Make her understand how helpless I felt.

When I turn on the kitchen light and
See an empty room that lacks her warmth,
It won’t be anger that I’ll feel.
It’s that feeling of being left behind,
That I’ll truly be alone.

That I’ll wish I had put more—
More time into starting a family
Of my own. A feeling that
When I’m done being mad,
I can’t find her, kneel on the floor,

Put my head on her stomach and say
I’m sorry.