Sylvanus (Vibes only. Roughly Fever Dream)
When you realize your mistake, you will fall again. Down into darkness, into a room with no walls.
When you realize your mistake, you will fall again. Down into darkness, into a room with no walls.
No killer worth his salt would leave anything valuable on a stiff. It may have been cheap, but it sure cleaned up nice.
“This is a bad idea.” He muttered, unlocking the door and letting her inside. As she slid past him into the house, he glanced out at the night sky and could have sworn that the stars were dimmer than when he saw them last. He was still in a dark mood at that was only one of many reasons that letting her in wasn’t smart.
“It can’t be the worst.” She countered, stepping over the empty beer cans and pizza boxes. “I don’t even like beer.”
“Let’s argue about the mechanics of why I can do what the fuck I want in my own house regardless of whether you like it or not later.” He warned, his tone short but more exhausted than angry. As usual, the scene was metaphoric anyway. “You know I’m gay, right?”
“Oversexualized homosexual…” She murmured under her breath but he winced because he’d have heard it even if she hadn’t said it.
“I’m that easy to sum up, I guess.” He stepped back to lean against the couch arm behind him. He knew that he’d be sorry that he let her in but misery loves company and all that.
“He didn’t mean to insult you.” She blinked and her head turned towards him as if realizing what she’d said and that it was hurtful.
“Yeah, he did.” He shrugged and reached up to scratch head and fuck up his hair in nervousness. “We’re not here to talk about that.”
“No, we’re not.” She looked down at her hands a moment before steeling herself for what she wanted…needed to do. Then she took a deep breath and stalked towards him.
He sat on the arm of the chair, dark head bowed and eyes averted and when she stopped between his outstretched legs, he stiffened. “Wait.”
“What do you mean wait.” She demanded. “We’ve both done this before. Do you want me to be a man? Obviously, I can.”
“NO.” He hissed, gripping the edge of the couch arm tightly. “That would make it worse.”
“Then what?” Her voice softened, her hand coming up to curve against his cheek, and then when he leaned away from her, curl into his hair and grip tightly to hold him in place.
The action caused his temper to flare. His hand came up and knocked her hand off of him, the sting of his scalp pleasant in its painfulness and that just pissed him off even more. “You’re forgetting your place. I’m not your bitch.”
“Then stop acting like it.” She spat, the fury at swallowing her insecurity while he was gone rising to the top.
“You’re pining.” He murmured, gaze set to the starry sky but seeming to look through the celestial masterpiece. He’d been doing that a lot lately.
“I know.” She shifted her head in his lap to wipe a few damp strands of hair from her face. If he asked, she would deny it but even he knew better than to address the reason for her puffy eyes. “You too.”
“I’m not.” He grunted and shifted his glare down to the back of her head. For a moment, he considered shoving her off but then she’d be looking at him and he didn’t feel like being dismantled tonight. “Why the fuck are you upset. He’s not gone. You see him every fucking day.”
He regretted the vehemence in his voice when her head snapped to look at him, her eyes narrowed in fury. “You’re right. I do. I see him every day and I’m nothing.”
“What? That…doesn’t make sense. You’re missing words again.” She did that fairly often.
“I am not. It’s…well, yeah. I skipped a lot of unnecessary inner dialogue and warped to the end, but that’s the summary. I’m nothing.”
He rolled his eyes and finally pushed her off, standing and heading back to the house. He didn’t have time for feminine dramatics. “You’re not nothing or he wouldn’t hang out with you. He’d have cut you off already.” The unspoken *like me* was still present even if he wouldn’t dare say it out loud. He wasn’t pining. He’d barely gotten the chance and he’d squandered what chance he had. There would be others…when he was ready.
“He won’t.” She rolled onto her knees and then back onto her ass to watch him go, unwilling to go back yet. “He’s nicer than he says.”
He stopped with his hand on the screen door and sighed before turning around to really look at her for the first time in a long time. Her eyes were puffy, but the redness was gone. So she’d finally stopped crying like a child who didn’t get what she wanted. This conversation wouldn’t help but she wasn’t moving on. If he was honest with himself, neither of them were. “That may be. But he’s a man accustomed to picking up and leaving whenever he wants. If he didn’t value your friendship, he’d be gone. Your website bullshit isn’t enough to make him put up with you if you were as annoying as you think you are.”
“I never said I was annoying.” She blinked and she was the one to look away this time.
“You said you were nothing and you forget- I know you. Trust me. You have value…but you’ve got to stop pining.”
“I’m not. It’s enough.” She snipped, followed by a slight sniff which she tried to play off as a huff but failed. She couldn’t do it as well as he could.
Her eyes were red again. If he wasn’t careful, he’d have a flood in his yard again just because he was an insensitive bastard.
“You’re not insensitive.” She countered, bringing up the annoying fact that even his thoughts would never be his own. “And you are pining. More than I am. As you said, I see him every day and I never really…well.” She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair to buy time. “I didn’t really get a lot of intimate time with him, did I?”
“Now you’re fucking ridiculous.” He snapped. “You held a remote in your fucking hand that gave him pleasure. He talked to you as he came. That’s fucking intimate. He asked you to be his girlfriend. That’s fucking intimate.” At this point, he had to let go of the handle to his screen door or risk breaking it and fucking up the small measure of protection he had against the elements.
“A week.” She replied softly. “I got a week and I chased him off.”
“You didn’t.” He argued, his tone soft but for all the wrong reasons. Frankly, he agreed with her but he couldn’t let her take all the blame. He was equally responsible. “I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I was too soft… We both are.”
She blinked rapidly and then stopped to fan her eyes. She didn’t want to wade through the mud if she decided to go back inside either. “So you admit that you’re pining too.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. In the darkness, he saw the eager eyes looking up at him and the fact that even now he struggled with what had to be an unhealthy amount of tenderness. Even if he’d managed to give him the roughness he wanted, this fucking tenderness would have ruined it. He’d have loved him until he ran away and there was no future in loving someone who didn’t want to be loved. He’d felt the cynicism from the start and he’d warned her about it. It was the only reason they were still standing. He’d done what he could. Now it was time to go home where he could recover. He opened his eyes and reached for the door. “I’m going.”
“Don’t leave me.” She pleaded. “I can’t do this.”
“You are doing it. Just keep doing. You know the drill. One day at a time. I’ll come back when I’m ready.”
“You’re running.” She wasn’t holding back now, that’s for sure.
“My presence here is not needed.” He argued, glancing to the side but refusing to turn around. “I tried. I don’t want to play with anyone else but I don’t have a purpose without it. I have no fucking outlet for this…bullshit. Do you…Fuck!” He cursed and finally turned around to glare at her. “Do you have any idea how it feels to try to play with someone else but it feels empty? I don’t feel anything. Nothing but bitterness because I know that- YES. I’m fucking pining.”
He growled and turned to kick the door, his boot putting a dent in the metal and shaking the frame. He hid his relief that the frame and lock held before turning to continue. “Are you happy? It bothers me because I know that it wasn’t what he wanted but I miss that closeness. It bothers me that I’m a confident fucking creature that feels inept. I exist -my sole existence- is to carry you when you’re feeling vulnerable and insignificant. I can’t do that right now when I’m fucked up. You say you’re nothing but you’re *everything*. I’m just a fucking gimmick. I can’t even fuck your cares away because I’m just…pathetic.”
The silence lasted longer than it should have. She didn’t agree, but when she opened her mouth to argue against it, she realized that by arguing against his argument, she would be arguing against her own. She was arguing with herself again.
“Do you think it’s because we’re crazy?” She sighed, falling onto her back to look up at the stars instead, hoping for the nonchalance that he portrayed earlier and knowing that if she looked at him any longer, she really would cry.
“Probably.” He returned the sigh and turned back to the door. “I’m going.”
“Bye.” She murmured, already feeling more alone than she did before but she didn’t really have an argument for him to stay. He was right. He didn’t have a purpose. He’d failed to protect her and he wouldn’t be helpful at all if he didn’t go heal. She’d do what he said. She’d just keep doing one day at a time.
Walking. Again. Sarah rubbed her nose and tugged her sleeves down farther. With each breath, she saw a puff of white steam that made her feel like she was really in an arctic tundra. Her character, Kitsu, trudged through an unbearably cold landscape with her hunting group.
Likewise, it was forty degrees outside of her apartment, and only a single layer of brick meant that the inside wasn’t much warmer. Sarah reached blindly for her coffee and cringed when she felt the cold glass. Instead, without taking her eyes off the screen, she leaned forward in her seat and pulled her arm inside her shirt. As long as they all walked in a straight line, she wouldn’t have to use that hand anyway.
The landscape on her screen had an icy beauty, but it was slowly getting darker, and as it did, the blue gave way to black like a stained bruise on a tender sky. Around her, the cracks and corresponding drag through ankle-deep slush shuddered through her speakers. Every once in a while, she heard a piercing cry from her surround sound and a low rumble from the subwoofer that signaled they were getting closer to the dragon’s lair. A strange noise made Sarah stop and listen.
A frog echoed along the frozen cliffs.
A distinctly Canadian voice cut through her speakers. “Really? A frog croaking in a frozen biome? Way to wreck the fucking illusion.” Yes. Way to wreck the illusion, Sarah thought. Nothing could ruin the suspense and wonder of a new expansion like her antagonistic guild leader Ziprig.
Sarah heard a gravely cough and labored breathing before another voice broke through at an ear-shattering decibel, “I hate to do this, guys… but I gotta pee.”
Bjord was a major sweetheart, but the quality of his microphone and the fact that he possibly wore it so close to his mouth that he could be in danger of swallowing it meant that your ears were never safe. You couldn’t turn him down either because it had a way of being super soft one day and super loud another. It was a crapshoot. Actually, although not harboring any ill will for the guy, Sarah’s friend Joey often kept him muted entirely. Today was one such day. As expected, Sarah’s phone lit up with a text from Joey asking why everyone had stopped. Sarah typed a quick explanation and then tried to get some feeling back by rubbing her hands up and down her arms.
“Bjord, really? You should have just said something earlier.” Zip wasn’t fond of breaks. Especially since some people had a unique sense of time. One of their group mates had a habit of taking a five-minute AFK and returning two days later with a tale of what an awesome party he had with the swingers next door. Considering he was an anesthesiologist in real life, Sarah was certain he was a frequent flyer and never came down.
Sarah’s stomach growled hard enough to almost forget how cold she was. Almost.
“What was that?”
“Sorry,” Sarah mumbled. “I wouldn’t mind a break too. I’m starving, and frostbite might have already set in.”
“Fine. Let’s take five. And I mean five. Not ten, not twenty. Five.” Good luck with that, she thought. Bjord was guaranteed to need a refill of cigarettes if history was any indicator.
The first thing Sarah did when she got up was pull out her heater and turn it on. The central heat and air hadn’t worked in this apartment since long before she moved in. As anyone could tell by the peeling yellow paint and unfinished wood floors, the place was a complete dump, but Sarah couldn’t get the energy to paint or argue with her landlord about the carpet. It was either save money for their meet-up in Vegas or find a new place to live, and frankly, she didn’t look at the walls or the floor much anyway. She was almost to the bathroom when she heard it kick on. Then, just as she sat down to do her business, there was a loud pop, and her apartment went dark.
Sarah felt around in the dark for the toilet paper and cursed the old wiring. This was why she had been playing in the freezing cold. One in every three times she ran the heater and her gaming rig at the same time, it would pop a breaker. She had to be close to five minutes already. So much for being on time.
By the time she reached the breaker box, she had tripped over a pile of clothes and wrecked her shin on her suitcase that she was supposed to already have packed for Vegas. Thankfully, she knew exactly which switch to flip. Three flips later, she was still in darkness. She felt around a moment until she found the edge of her bed and sat down. She didn’t have to feel far. Her whole apartment was probably just over 450 square feet. She felt a small shudder beneath her feet. Was that thunder? Four seconds later, she heard the low answering rumble. One more trip over the same suitcase, and she peeked out her yellowed blinds. The whole block was out. A storm was coming.
She could see the fridge was empty with the tiny light from her phone. Or it might as well be. Miracle Whip, while being the foundation of everything wonderful- was not wonderful at all with nothing to eat it with. In the cabinet, she found a used package of crackers with about four left. She peeked in her silverware drawer and grunted when it predictably had only silverware in it. Outside, the wind picked up, and a series of taps signaled that it had started to rain. Her stomach growled again as she went over her options.
It didn’t take long. There were only four crackers to consider. So she’d just order pizza. She was about to dial Dominoes when she noticed it was 2:35am. No pizza place in this hell hole would be open past midnight. Only one place was open so early in the morning. She found her jacket and pulled out her boots.
Her phone lit up again. Zip would never believe that her electricity was really out, and she didn’t blame him. Joey would have to cover for her this time. Sarah shot him a quick text about the power being out and then headed out the door. There was just a steep stairway from her garage studio to the door outside, and she was extra careful on her way down because her boots were a half-size too big. They were a gift from her Dad, who never really bothered to ask her size. For him, it was always the thought that counted. Unfortunately, it was never forethought.
She stopped at the door and peered out of the glass. It wasn’t sprinkling anymore. It was a full-on downpour. No umbrella, but she did have her hoodie and her boots. Arcadia was only a few blocks away. Four, to be exact. She could run it. Maybe. She didn’t run much, but there shouldn’t be much to it. She zipped up her hoodie and put the hood on, making sure to tuck her carrot-colored hair in as far as she could.
The owner of Arcadia, Raj, tried to steal a lock of her hair once because he thought it must have magical properties. Talk about stereotypes. She tried to be insulted, but honestly, there was a fair amount of people in town that thought he was a Muslim terrorist when he was really a Hindu from India, so they were even. They were on good terms, but people came from several counties to buy his specialty goods so she wouldn’t put it past him to try again. Raj was all about the money.
Sarah ran in place a few times to psych herself up and then threw the door open and burst out into the rain. Cold. It was so cold, but she ran. Past her landlord’s house up to fourth and across. Arcadia was just ahead, not as well lit as the Quiktrip across town, but it was the brightest thing on this side of town, and with it raining so hard, she was thankful. Both her and her hoodie were soaked, so Sarah didn’t see the woman until she ran into her.
“Watch it!” The woman snapped, pushing Sarah off as they both squeezed into the gas station at the same time. Her black hair was in a tight ponytail, and she wore professional black from head to toe. She was definitely from out of town.
“Sorry,” Sarah muttered, wiping her wet face with her sleeve. The hoodie hadn’t helped much. It made a better sponge than a shield.
“Whatever.” The woman looked around with her nose turned up slightly, her lips tight. She had to be lost. Most people from out of town stopped at the QuikTrip off I-40 because it was a beacon on the long stretch of interstate. She probably missed the loop and ended up on highway 64 instead. If that was the case, she was lucky because this was the only gas station for another forty minutes.
“Raj!” Sarah yelled. “You’ve got a customer.”
With a long groan, a bald head appeared from behind the counter and then a smiling Buddha face. Sarah smirked. Raj saved that look for new people from out of town. It kept him from having to deal with most of their bullshit.
“Can I use your bathroom?” The woman asked.
“Yes. Yes. Here key.” Raj held out a key attached to a 12-inch ruler with the word bathroom in capital letters. She looked at it for a moment and then accepted it gingerly and headed to the back.
Sarah gave Raj a nod that he returned and then grabbed a bag of Funyons before heading to the back where the soda was stored. She was debating Diet Pepsi or Pink Lemonade when someone brushed past her from behind. Sarah smelled cinnamon like the old cinnamon toothpicks that Raj used to sell when she was young. She turned to see who else was dumb enough to be up at almost 3am in the morning, but all she saw was a full head of shaggy blonde hair walking up the next aisle over towards the cash register. No one from in town. Maybe Raj got more business at night than she thought.
Sarah chose Pink Lemonade and a hoagie. As she headed to the register, the dark-haired woman slid into line in front of her. All thoughts of telling her where to get back on I-40 disappeared. She’d figure it out when the highway dumped her into Fort Smith anyway. The guy with blonde hair at the front of the line was tall and lean, with a black leather jacket and tight blue jeans. In one hand, he held a Mountain Dew and in the other a sleek black motorcycle helmet. Sarah glanced outside, and while it was still sprinkling, at least it had calmed down a bit. It still probably sucked to be him.
“Get out,” Raj said quietly to the guy, pushing his drink and cash away.
“Is my money not good for you?” The guy asked with an amused European accent.
“It’s on the house. Now get out.” Raj nodded towards the door, staring down at the counter.
“Just take his money.” The woman bit out, shifting on her heels with a squeaky click. She clutched one of those cold coffee drinks and a honey bun.
The guy grabbed his drink off the counter and nodded to the woman. “Then I’ll buy hers too. “
Raj grit his teeth when he glanced at the woman but then looked away again. “Fine.”
The woman looked surprised as they both moved away from the register. “Well…thank you.” Sarah rolled her eyes. No one ever offered to pay for her stuff. Not that he’d paid for anything. She planned on grilling Raj as soon as the two of them left.
And then he smiled, and Sarah was lost. Her skin tingled, and her heart pounded, but her reaction was to sink into herself. Sarah leaned over to lay her items on the counter, watching through a haze as the man and woman talked. She was curious about what he was saying, but she couldn’t hear anything. It was like all the sound had been sucked out of the room.
Somehow, her lemonade didn’t make it. It dropped to the floor, and when she looked down, she saw the fizz shooting out of the lid. She saw it, but her muscles didn’t coil into motion. Sarah couldn’t move.
“You should go get another one.” The guy prompted. He was still smiling, but the woman looked on with an upturned lip. Suddenly her trance was broken, and she blushed, dropping immediately to put her hand over the hissing bottle. It coated her hand, arms, and then face as she picked it up. She was about to run back to the back with it but stopped and turned to say something- anything to him. Maybe she meant to thank him, but when she opened her mouth, she couldn’t think of why or for what. It didn’t matter because when she turned back, the shooting stream of fizz sprayed across the dark-haired woman’s white shirt, and the woman let out a scream.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Sarah lurched forward as if to help, but the woman just screeched and put her hand out.
“Stop, just get rid of it.”
Sarah hurried to the back. The bathroom was locked as usual, but Raj had an industrial sink that she used. Sarah sighed heavily and took off her rain and lemon-soaked hoodie. She washed her arms and face and then leaned against the sink until she heard the telltale jingle of the front door. She was so embarrassed. In all the hurry, she hadn’t noticed how she would look to strangers. Red and black polka-dot rain boots, red flannel pants, a gamer t-shirt, and a green hoodie. Why did she leave the house like that?
A few minutes later, when she was sure everyone but Raj was gone, she roamed back up front, stopping only to get a different lemonade. This one wasn’t carbonated…just in case. Raj was waiting for her. “You okay?” He asked with no trace of the broken English from before.
“Yeah, they’re just passing through anyway. I doubt that’ll be the last time I do something dumb.” Sarah gave him her card.
He nodded and swiped her card. As he gave it back, he held onto it when she tried to put it away. “Hey.”
“What?” She asked and leaned back because she remembered her hair was no longer safely hidden.
“Stay away from that guy.”
“What? I don’t know him. He’s from out of town, right? Probably just passing through.”
“Yeah.” He let go of her card. “I’m just saying it for your own good. He’s bad magic.”
Sarah smirked, grabbing her sack and heading for the door. “I’m the first one to wish there were such a thing as magic, Raj, but I know better. There’s no such thing.”
She barely heard what he said as she left, but it sounded like, “You’ll see.”
The rain had stopped completely, but it was damn cold. Sarah held her hoodie and sack close, but neither helped. The hoodie was soaked, and her bag was filled with refrigerated goods. As she stepped down off the walkway, she paused. The woman’s car was still there and the motorcycle too, but neither was to be seen. Sarah looked around, but just like before- besides the light from inside the gas station and a light above each gas pump- it was dark. Her head snapped to the right as she heard a scraping noise from the side of the building. As Sarah walked to the edge of the building, her steps slowed more and more. A sharp cry came from around the dark corner. Sarah closed the distance, rounded the corner, and came to a full stop.
A distinctly awkward stop. His helmet was forgotten on the sidewalk along with both of their purchases. Her bare legs were wrapped around his lean hips, and Sarah could see the perfect rounded curve of his ass. Sarah felt a tingle down the back of her neck as she realized the situation. If these two were strangers up until ten minutes ago, they definitely weren’t now. Sarah looked down the empty street that she had to take to get home. There was no way to go that wouldn’t be like a voyeur walk of shame. Maybe they wouldn’t notice. Sarah chanced one more guilt-filled but envious look and froze.
He was looking at her. He was breathing heavily, the pale steam of his breath mixing with the steam from the vent beside them. He never stopped moving, but his eyes smoldered at Sarah. She tightened her grip on her bag, flustered but unable to look away until it happened. The iris of his eyes that were dark before flashed a brilliant blue, and the effect was like blue lava. Once again, the spell was broken, and Sarah started walking backward. As she did, she saw him start to untangle himself from the woman. Sarah didn’t know what else to do so she ran.
The run home was excruciating. The electricity was back on, so instead of hiding in the cover of night, the hideous orange illuminators lit the path right back to her apartment. Sarah almost panicked when she saw a shadow pass across her window, but she remembered that she was expecting her friend Miranda, so she pulled open the downstairs door and ran up the stairs. When she reached the top, Miranda was sitting on Sarah’s bed with her own neatly packed suitcase.
Sarah quickly flipped the light switch off and moved across the room to peer out of the blinds. She couldn’t quite see the gas station, but she could see up the street well enough.
“Uh…why are we in the dark,” Miranda asked.
“Shhhhhhhh.”
“Do you want me to lock the door?”
“YES.”
“SSHhhhhh.” Miranda retorted as she locked the door and then returned to her seat. “Can we at least watch TV? If not, this is going to be a long night.”
“What’s happening?” Joey’s voice whispered through Sarah’s speakers making both Sarah and Miranda jump.
“Jesus.” Sarah sighed, leaning against the wall. “You scared the crap out of me.”
“Bitch, don’t change the subject. What’s going on? Did you rob the quickie mart or something?”
“No, I…” As if suddenly remembering why they were in the dark, Sarah peeked back out the window. “This guy with a motorcycle just… I mean, his eyes were blue. Suddenly. Like they weren’t before, but then they were blue.”
Miranda just stared, and Sarah’s speakers were quiet. Sarah sighed again because, once again, communication had failed her.
“There was a guy and a girl at the gas station.” Sarah gave up the window and plopped down in her desk chair. An oddly warm desk chair. Sarah’s eyes narrowed at the softly glowing red coils on her heater. Traitor.
“And?” Joey prodded once again through the speakers.
“When I came out, they were having random stranger sex on the side of the building.”
“And what does that have to do with his eyes?” Joey asked. “Or did his dick start glowing too?”
“How’d you even look at his eyes anyway? Did you try to get an autograph?” Miranda joked.
Sarah reached over and grabbed a pillow so she could smack Miranda with it.
“Hey, you didn’t hit Joey!” She laughed.
“Only because he’s not here. Anyway, I knew because he was looking at me.”
“Whoa whoa whoa.” Joey interrupted. “Girl, was he hot? Could you see his dick?”
“What?!” Sarah blushed. “Joey, his eyes glowed blue. Glowed as in bright as a freaking Light Brite. I was a little busy and didn’t have time to gawk at his crotch, which was also kind of busy…”
Joey scoffed, and the speakers crackled. “That’s why you’re single. There is always time to check it out.
“Maybe it’s a new kind of colored contacts.” Miranda offered.
“Maybe,” Sarah admitted. She looked out the window one more time and saw nothing but orange-tinted pavement and deep grass-filled ditches. “I guess we can turn the lights on.”
“Why did you turn them off again? Were you scared?” Miranda stood and leaned across to switch the lights on.
“Not exactly…” Sarah thought for a moment, trying to remember the exact feeling. “I was, and I wasn’t. His eyes were startling, but I don’t know… I think it was mostly embarrassment, but then there’s what Raj said too. He told me to stay away from him because he was bad magic.”
“Now that’s creepy.” As Joey spoke, she heard the flick of a lighter from over the speakers, and then he continued with a muffled, “That’s the dude that tried to scalp you, right?”
Sarah rolled her eyes and then remembered that Joey couldn’t see her. “He didn’t try to scalp me. He just wanted a little piece of my hair.”
“Uh-huh, and that guy outside the gas station probably just wanted to share some candy. Just keep your doors locked tonight. Shit gets crazy in the bible belt.”
# # #
I see you blank stare; listless;
Hair matted; unshaven.
A caustic mix of sweaty tears
And dirt-kissed dead skin cells.
I want to fix you;
Regardless of the deep wounds
that insist on infection. The
Raw pain persists when you smile.
I want to make you laugh;
Break through Ice, bone and
Show you that pain is a trap
Of infinite Proportions.
But yet, you are not alone.
I.
I often wonder why dreams of dark
dusk and steam are less lovely when
laid bare- starkly cast and compared to
soft soothing streams of nature
nurtured into a perfect, picturesque pattern.
II.
Making love is a motion, movement,
action of one and one together taking
and giving til sparks are struck and
songs are spun and who—who are we
to hold their hearts in helotry.
Until today I did not value
Dull moans; soft Jaundice skin;
A swaddled body with chattering teeth.
The soft eerie glow of hospital lights
Only made my insides curl in on themselves
And spiral out.
The persistent tap of fluids;
Psycho-rhythmic drip;
Taunted the grind of my teeth.
The privacy I always wanted
Was impossible,
Thirty years in the making.
Until today I didn’t realize what a blessing
It is to have a mother and how short our time is.
What’s wrong?
Nothing. Everything.
Things that can’t be mopped;
Sanitized by Jesus in a fit of mercy
but can be carried like a cellphone
and ring just as much.
Where do we go?
Nowhere. Everywhere.
Science can identify germs;
Split the smallest piece of life,
But cannot say with any certainty
What happens when we die.
What do we know?
Nothing. Everything.
By looking into the lonely darkness
The Hubble telescope found thousands
Of us. Thousands of questions looking
Back at us asking: What’s wrong?
It’s no secret that I have been having a hard semester. With so many bad things happening, I even took to reading the Bible again. Not because I’ve suddenly turned to God where I wasn’t before. God and I have been on pretty good terms for a long time. I don’t go to church, but we’ve talked and I think he knows that it isn’t any lack of devotion that keeps me at home instead of praising his name in front of a whole bunch of people. I have always felt like church services were more like a performance than a personal discussion with our divine creator.
All the suffering reminded me of the book of Job, which is really one of the few books that I remember distinctly because it tells a thought-provoking story. When I read it last, it was a story about God taking a dare given by the devil that one of his loyal followers wouldn’t be so loyal if he weren’t so successful and blessed by God. I felt like it was a horrible story. I didn’t like the idea that anyone thrown out of heaven could manipulate God into maltreating a loyal follower and his family.
It wasn’t until after I lost my brother and found out how sick my mother was, that I thought of the book again. I wondered if I was Job and why God would be goaded again. I wasn’t angry, which almost hurt even more. I was wounded, unlucky. Had I done something wrong? I was honestly afraid to pray for anyone because maybe I was cursed and my prayer would further along someone’s death.
So when my oldest brother died, I read the book again. I’m not saying that it changed. I am saying that I read things that I didn’t notice the first time. On a second read, God didn’t punish Job on a dare with Lucifer. Job and his friends who came to visit him after his losses were all under different impressions of why the bad things were happening. Everything from assuming Job must have done something bad to be punished for, to maybe he wasn’t doing the right things to be rewarded. But ultimately when Job asked God why, God said it wasn’t any of those things. Good things and bad things aren’t done as a reward or as a punishment. They are simply at the grace of God.
I felt like it was an important revelation but I still didn’t understand what that meant. The dark cloud over my family made the air hard to breathe. Mom was getting sicker and sicker and not able to hold a conversation much less plan a funeral so it was up to my sister and me. The pressure of how badly Mom was doing and how we didn’t have enough money to pay for her impending funeral much less his was getting to me. Family kept calling and asking when we wanted them to meet up after or before the funeral and it took all I had to get my Mom ready. I kept thinking about how I would survive the next semester: fifteen credit hours, less financial aid, bills up to my neck and either a mother to feed three meals a day or a funeral to pay on. I worried that I couldn’t finish school and take care of mom while working how many hours it would take to pay bills and my portion of rent on the house.
All of it mixed together with the guilt that while I loved my older brother and would give anything to keep him alive, I had worried about him relentlessly. He hadn’t been right since his stroke seven months before and had been spending money by the thousands and was about to lose his home. He had been lucid enough to disqualify himself for disability but he was unable to work and without me checking his pill planner, he wouldn’t even remember to medicate himself. His death made me feel horrible for being relieved. I never admitted to feeling burdened and he made it clear often that what he did with his life was his own responsibility, but family is family. I was being swallowed alive and I was still thinking about Job and what the grace of God meant.
We finally got my mom up and into the car to go to the funeral her phone rang. My brother’s previous employer had sensed things were not right and kept paying his life insurance. Pending his death certificate, my brother will have left enough to pay for Mom’s funeral, get me out of debt, pay for Mom’s insurance premiums starting in January and still collect interest in the bank. We all cried in relief and sorrow.
The next week we finally convinced Mom to go to the emergency room. Her kidneys were failing because she hadn’t been eating or drinking. If she had refused one more night, she would have died. Trying to convince a grieving woman who isn’t in her right mind that she wasn’t eating and drinking enough when she would throw up every time she did was hard. She was there for a week and every day was rapid improvement. When she finally came home this Thursday, she was Mom again. Her appetite is back, her kidneys are working and somehow her biliary bag is draining on its own. (The masses in her liver were blocking the drains before.) Somehow, I’m still too afraid to hope that the masses have broken down or that she’ll live longer than they proposed, but I feel unburdened. I finally understand what it means to live by the grace of God and what it means to have faith. It means letting go and being thankful for the little things.
All semester I’ve been asking myself one question. How do I get it back? I’ve asked a few people and besides the initial counter-question: “How do you get what back?”—No one seems to know. Even after explaining it, they still don’t seem to understand. Those who have had it and lost it seem to throw down the whole experience and bury it deeper than Atlantis.
Deeper than that. So deep that I think it becomes a phobia. When the conversation starts to cross River Styx, people shrink back as if they might drown. I think I understand. I often feel like I’m drowning too. I’m too busy saving myself to save anyone else.
I found a friend in a tree outside my bus window. He looked particularly lonely like the bird that carried its seed to plant it must have been a hero on an epic journey. That sounds nice, but honestly, it was only alone because it was surrounded by paved parking lots— which if you are setting out to humanize a tree, I’d found a gem. The poor thing had probably been grown elsewhere with lots of brothers and sisters before it was uprooted and separated. Shipped and then dipped into this hole dug just for him. Then every year he grew the prettiest leaves that he could until they too left him alone.
His branches were naked and they shuddered with each wind. I tried asking him the question and I got nothing but the biting wind on my cheeks. I expected as much.
How did he do it? I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Every year he lost all his leaves and then grew them back as nothing had happened. I had lost my two brothers and my mother wouldn’t be far behind. Three leaves off my tree and I felt like everything was gone. My future fell with my younger brother. I drove around wondering if God would do me a favor and take me sooner rather than later. I didn’t want him to be alone up there and more than anything I was terrified that he was just gone. But I still stopped at each stop sign. I still ate, though there was a voice in my head that asked how I could eat another bite.
Then I had a dream. I was looking at a white picket fence that I had installed on my own and there was a small thin gap between the boards where I had measured wrong. It didn’t look right. From behind me, my brother who had no voice in life, handed me what I would find out later was a glue gun and a metallic piece and said, “I don’t know how it works but it’s this one.” I told my step-dad about it and he said, “He always liked to watch me work.”
I’d thought I’d found it that night—that naive happiness that the future holds some precious plan; some beauty to work towards. That climax of life that everything after it will just be icing on the cake. A retirement of leisure waiting to die a peaceful death like my grandparents had. I hugged Mom and told her that our lives are not our own and that everything would be okay. God must have a plan. There must be something.
Four months later Mom got sick enough that I thought she was dying. One trip to the emergency room and I found out that she was. I am reminded of that tree now pretty often. When I finish cooking something Mom probably won’t eat, when I walk to class, when I sit and eat, when I lay down at night. One month after that, my older and only remaining brother died suddenly while getting a cyst on his leg lanced in a regular office visit.
How do I get it back?
Last night I was going through boxes from our most recent move and I found a tiny red leather-bound copy of The Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam. I put it to the side and forgot about it for a while. Then when I laid down, I opened it up expecting something similar to sayings from Confucius but found this instead:
Myself when young did eagerly frequent
Doctor and Saint, and heard great argument
About it and about: but evermore
Came out by the same door where-in I went.
It may be different for each of us, but I read the last line and realized the truth of it. Regardless of what I believe today or what I believe tomorrow, when we die we all return from where we came. And that, in itself, is not- nothing. It’s something.
I understand enough to know
The road was wearing thin.
Where you are I could not go,
Even though I would pretend.
Compared to you I would be slow
From me, you’re around the bend,
But each night the moon moves slow
when I should sleep and mend.
But life is not something that I own,
Not mine to give or spend.
And so I wait and hope you know
I’ll hold on till the end.
I understand enough to know
Yet I wish that I could go.